5 posts from June 2008

Am just about to have a rant and let rip.

Had a weird week this week with lots of ups and downs.  Ive been suffering for nearly a week with a virus.  Ive got a chest infection, sinusitis, blocked ears and a sore throat.  I generally feel poop. 

Cant really remember much before thursday - just a bit of taking the dog for a walk and thats more or less it.  Oh, that just reminded me.  Why do people have to be so stupid??  I was out with Molly a couple of days ago, and I had to go to the cash point.  Not the easiest of tasks with a hyperactive labrador.  I had got her to sit, and was talking to her constantly telling her to stay - she was being on her best behaviour.  Then this woman came up (could quite clearly hear me talking) and started making kissie noises and talking to her....right at the moment I put my card in the machine.  Now Molly being Molly, needs no encouragement to misbehave.  She launched herself up into one of her 3ft vertical jumps trying to lick this woman's face.  I actually think she caught her on the cheek with her newly clipped (scratchy) claws. Of course I apologised because..well thats just what you do, and she assured me it was her fault.  After all, it was. Ha. Stupid woman.

Ive had a situation while Ive been off sick with a friend.  It all started off OK, he took me out once a week for lunch to get me out the house, then it all seems to have spiraled out of control.  He started texting me at least ten times a day (no joke), then he got face book...he started sending me messages all the time, then he added the chat pop up on facebook and wanted to talk to me all the time.  Then I made the mistake of showing him how to use MSN.  So ten texts a day, umpteen fb messages a day, getting me on MSN - and to top it all wanting to see me virtually every day.  It started to get beyond a joke, he used to start getting funny with me if I didnt reply to a text within an hour, etc etc, so I basically told him to stop all contact and that I didnt want to talk to him anymore as was stressing me out.

I thought this was the end of it, but I kept getting messages wanting to see me etc etc.  Id since found out, he has talked to several people about the falling out, one person said "shes legendary for taking stuff the wrong way"....apparently, he's been googling depression etc and told people im a textbook case and he isnt going to leave me alone because I need help.  I say I dont need pushing. 

Thursday it was a friends leaving do.  As everyone wandered off to a restauraunt, id stood outside the pub to have a cigarette.  He came over to me and started talking, so I thought id do the decent thing and have a conversation.  He then told me I was freaking him out as I hadnt spoken to him for over a week and now I was...(I believe this is whats called being civil??), and proceded to tell me that I would snap out of it and quoted this person saying I was legendary etc etc.  I got mad and left.  I then met up with everyone after theyd eaten, and went to a house party.  he started being very intimidating wanting to talk to me along in the kitchen, I thought I could go listen to what he had to say - it wasnt going to change how I felt.  Someone answered my wishes and barged in, making my escape easy.  At around 2am, I said I was leaving.  Im poorley at the min anyway and have a virus ergo..feel like shit, dave is on crutches and he was starting to get some pain, and also had said I would walk 2 girls home in opposite directions (so needed to leave as would take a while).  He started begging me to go back and talk to him, and made me really cross because I wanted to leave.  I said something along the lines of it not being the time or the place, and I didnt want to hear anymore.  Story over.

Untill last night.  It was another friends leaving do.  I still feel pants having a bad chest, blocked up ears etc etc, but made the effort because Ive known her 8 years.  He was there.  I lost him in a pub after leaving to go somewhere else.  I bumped into another friend who asked me if this guy had been giving me trouble.  I asked why, and he told me that after I left the party Thursday, he approached him and asked if he could talk to him about something (these two arent even mates!!).  He told him the story about how "I'd been" and also that he had been googling depression and text book case blah blah.  Now this made me furious.  I havent told work mates why I am off work.  And now to my knowledge, he has spoken to five other people!!!!  What was funny was yesterday morning before the do obviously, he sent me a text saying "Theres gossip at work we've fallen out.  I want you to know Ive told no one about it so it didnt come from me.  Im sorry".  HOW DARE HE LIE!!!!  I know full well he has discussed this with people as they have approached me and told me exactly what has been said!!  So for starters, im pissed that he's making me out to be a nast bitch to people I work with - as they dont know the full story, and secondly, Im rather pissed off he is telling people (drunk or not) why im off work! What a liar.  He doesnt know I know all this so he thinks he can keep up the facade. GGRRRRR.  The thing is, is this is starting to freak me out and really starting to upset me.  I just dont know what I should do.

Anywhoo.  Not worth wasting anymore breath on that.

Went to mums today, she fed me a lovely roast belly pork dinner - although I didnt much feel like eating.  Had some fun, played with Felix, caught up with my Bro, and sat like a pixie under a piece of cardboard to shelter from the rain whilst having a ciggie!!  Did get upset a bit today, because I recently passed my maths exam (at 28 yes I know), and theyre giving the certificates out on Tuesday.  I wanted to get mine and take mum and dad with me because im so proud - because Ive finally attempted it after twelve years and actually passed it, also its this grade thats got me into university.  I told mum this, but she said I had to understand she was too busy - besides which, it wasnt really anything proper, and the only ceremonys worth going to are degrees.  I have to say, this burst my bubble a little. She cant remember even being at my first graduation ten years ago, and no one took any pictures or anything - I just wanted that back.  I didnt cry in front of her.  She sent me an email recently apologising for being grumpy with me lately, shes so tired from working all hours, and in pain with her back (although thats no excuse she said...), and I remembered back to that today.  I dont think grunpy is what she should have said sorry for.  In the last week alone, she said my belly was getting really fat, I should get rid of the car and not get another, I should get Dave to hire an automatic for holidays in just over a month as he should be able to drive that better than a manual with his torn ligaments, Ive given you half my wages this month buying you shopping, cant afford to buy you a new car now till after holidays in august (??), tell that weirdo to get lost, if I give you the gravy bowl to take stuff home in you have to promise not to break it (??), moaned about plating up my lunch on her best china plate because I forgot to take the shitty plate back, and then my certificate thing.  Just for the record, Ive not asked for any money, nor have I asked her to buy me a car - that was supposed to be a suprise, but she told me.....what have I dont just lately?? Dont think I deserve this - and not coping with it very well at the minute with everything else thats going on.  *sigh*

All I would like really at the moment, is to have 1 good week.

Untill next time

Over and out

Had a nice day today!  I got 8 hours sleep!!  Yeeeehaa!!

Went to see mum and had a lovely dinner, and my bro has decided to fix my computer for me!  Um not a great deal to report today so I will just witter!

There is a new addition to my mum and dads, they have just adopted a kitten we have named felix.  they didnt know who he belonged too,  but he used to come to my mum and dads all the time for some attention and food.  Anyways, he started getting really skinny - so bad his collar fell off, his neck was so scrawny I could fit my hand around it with space to spare.  Anyways, they have taken him in, and been feeding him up over the last 4 weeks and he's got a nice little plump belly now and started to beef up a lttle.  They recently found out he actually belonged to someone further down the street, but these peoples next door neighbours filled mum and dad in.  Apparently, they hadnt even noticed he had been missing for a few weeks.  If an animal of mine dissapeared, Id be heartbroken instantly!  Also, they had another cat that was about 3 years old, and they told alot of people that he died of old age (at 3???).  The real story was he used to get locked in the garage with no food.  I think the real reason it died was from starvation and neglect!  So mum and dad made a decision that they were keeping him, and phoned the R.S.P.C.A to inform them not to give these people any more cats and why.  yes you heard me right, felix had been a rescue cat to start with.  These monsters dont deserve to keep animals if they refuse point blank to care for them.  The end of the story basically is that felix is now living it up being pampered and mum and dads.  He gets all the best food, love, plenty of attention, (although mums not keen on him waking her up at 4am to play lol!) scratch posts, cat nip toys the works.  I think you can see why he stayed!!

Anywhoo.  Had a snooze for a few hours on the sette this afternoon as I still needed to catch up I think. (hence why im still up now possibly?!?!)  And also was chuffed tonight because Spain beat Italy!!  Wo0o!!

Ive had to steal from the copper and the 5p jar because I am so skint this month and pay day isnt until wednesday lol!  Me and the dave have got £15 each out of it, so I will be able to get some fags, and food out of that until then lol!  Im starting a diet tomorrow (today??), im desperate to loose some weight before my holidays, but also cos my mum really got to me today.  I mentionned that I was starting a diet, and she said "yes you should really, your tummy is starting to look really big....".  OH.MY.GOD.  Thanks muth!!!  She had just fed us a massive lunch then came out with that!!  Charmed I must say!  Anyways, am over it now, its just given me an incentive to get back on the wagon so to speak!  Although I must say, the only thing I like about the added weight....oh my god...my boobs!!  I will miss them when im a couple of stone lighter lol!!

Right, im off to try and make myself tired, I dont want to sleep all day tomorrow, ive got a killer task of cleaning the kitchen (again) as dave promised me 2 days ago that he would do it..but that transpires to be seen..!  I'd also like to be in a fit state to go play badminton tomorrow evening too, so hopefully todays good day will carry over to tomorrow too!!

Until tomorrow

Over and out

Arrgh

Any productive thoughts ive had have gone right out the window.  I didnt sleep again last night and now im shattered.  Two nights in a row and no sleep is not good,  All ive done is sit on the sette because ive had no energy to do anything else today. 

So been another bad day.  I thought it couldnt get any worse this morning after no sleep, but at 8am I fell asleep on the sofa and had a nap for an hour (wow) and got woke up by molly crunching.  I got up to see what she had, and she had pinched my glasses.  Not good considering she has already chewed one pair and im blind lol.  When I got them off her, I realised she must of had them a while, she had broken the glass/lens and chewed both the arms off.  Little bugger.  I called my mum for a bit of support and she went off her head and said to call the glasses place and order some more and she would pay - I mentionned that she only told me yesterday how skint she was so she screamed some more and said she'd have to pay for them out her over draught.  Much tears and lots of shouting later, she hung up.  Great one.  I didnt call the glasses place.  I managed to find the ones she chewed before which werent damaged as badly, and just sanded the arms down where the chew marks where.  They will do for now I guess.  Happy Solstice to me.

Not really anything else happened today worth a mention I guess.

Untill tomorrow

Over and out

Today has been a really long one.  After a lovely day yesterday, I hoped it may carry on.  Then last night I didnt get any sleep which I hate.  Theres nothing more boring or lonely than being up by yourself for 8 hours being unable to talk to anyone because theyre all in bed, and at that time in the morning, there isnt usually anything decent to watch on the tv.  I did manage to watch two films I had recorded - Go, and Shooting Fish, both Id reccommend!!  They certainly kept me entertained for 4 and a half hours, then two hour long episodes of Big Brother (yawn).  Luckily my mum came onto MSN at half five this morning so I had someone to talk to for an hour and a half before she went to work.

Had my fortnightly checkup at the doctors today, and I dont know if he was having an off day or what, but he didnt seem at all interested in talking to me today, or even remembering why I was there - after all, he has made me a regular visitor.  He asked how I was feeling  (I thought that much was obvious, I looked horrendous after not sleeping for 21 hours up to that point) and told him Id had an exceptionally bad week this week.  He asked if I thought the tablets werent working (he seems very quick to swap and change), to which I replied Id only been on them a week so they more than likely hadnt kicked in yet - he added I was probably correct in thinking this  (Whos the doctor here??).

He then asked if there were any other problems, and I said I hadnt been sleeping again and explained I hadnt slept since the night before and got prescribed Temazepam again, he said had I tried taking two - and said no as he had advised to only take one!!  So he upped the dosage to two a night and only gave me enough for 3.5 nights which is stupid.  Then got me out as quickly as he could - even though I was ten mins early for my appointment!  Charmed.

When I got home, I rang some guy about a lovely car Id seen on autotrader this morning, but it had gone  :(  Oh well, will just have to keep looking.

Havent done anything else today - except for getting back in my PJ's and sitting on the sofa most of the day and feeling like crap from the lack of sleep. 

I dually took my two tablets at 12:15 am when I started to feel tired as im supposed too, and guess what...three hours later Im still wide awake.  This really sucks.  Especially as Dave is in bed, and I can hear Molly snoring on the sette!!

On a lighter note, Tomorrow (that should be today now) is Summer Solstice (or the start of British Summer Time to non Pagan folk!), so I will try and write a ritual to perform tomorrow evening if im feeling up to it.  Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep and give the house a good going over and get some more work down in my book of shadows.

Think I might get a glass of cider and have a read to see if it can kick start these bloody tablets into working lol!

Untill tomorrow,

Over and out

First blog!

Ive decided to just be boring and keep an account of my days so I can look back and see if there is any progress in my life.

A quick filler...I have been off work for nearly four months with stress, depression and anxiety, and this week has been a really hard week.  Today however, has been quite a productive, and fairly ok day.

In the last four months, I have had no motivation whatsoever to do anything - clean the house, make food, do the washing and even get dressed or read a book - and anyone that knows me (even just a little) knows this is totally out of the ordinary for me, I read about 2 books a week, although since I have been ill, I cant even be bothered to do this.  All I have done, is sat in my PJ's smoking 40 a day, watching rubbish tv and..well thats more or less it.  This week so far has been really hard.  I've been extremely tearful and not wanted to get out of bed.

Today has been really good and a nice break in the pattern.  Im on my fourth load of washing - and because its been a perfect washing day, everythings gone on the line.  The kitchen is clean, and the living room is moderately tidy lol.  Ive prepared a chili which is on in the slow cooker.  I have even got dressed today!  I took the dog out, and I have sat in the garden and finally started to update my book of shadows which dave bought me for christmas.  I am also thinking I might have a read of my book that has been on the go for a few months!!  I think its the sun thats finally appeared today, it certainly has lots of amazing properties.

Hopefully the evening will carry on being lovely

Over and out

Worried About Ray